Difficult Conversations - Discussing What Matters Most
Sister and President Quinn
In their book, Difficult Conversations – How to Discuss What Matters Most, authors Stone, Patton and Heen, tell us “Whether we’re dealing with an underperforming employee, disagreeing with our spouse about money or child-rearing, negotiating with a difficult client, or simply saying “no” or “I’m sorry” or “I love you,” we attempt or avoid difficult conversations every day.” They go on to give excellent advice on how to have difficult conversations.
Difficult conversations are difficult because you know that there is a possibility of misunderstandings, contention, and feelings being hurt. You also realize that something that means a lot to you may not be appreciated or agreed upon by someone else. Difficult conversations have many aspects to them, and they are just plain difficult and a little scary. That is why this book is 250 pages long.
A book I highly recommend. I even brought my copy on my mission as a reference.
I read this book years ago and it made a huge difference on how I approach tricky conversations. We see our missionaries avoiding or attempting these types of conversations with each other and thought they could use some pointers. During the last zone conferences President Quinn and I did a role play of a difficult conversation in two different ways. The first way was a disaster with pointing fingers, blaming, and getting defensive. The missionaries had a good laugh at our poor acting skills. The second time we taught our missionaries by acting out how to have what this book calls a “learning conversation.” And to start with statements such as “Help me to understand…..” or How do you feel about…. Or “What are your thoughts on ….” We want our missionaries to move from certainty to curiosity and abandon blame. We council them to listen carefully to their companion during the“learning conversation.”
The book doesn’t mention this, yet we ask our missionaries to start the conversation with a prayer. We also ask them to begin my telling their companion something they appreciate in each other. Any time words of love are expressed it invites the spirit to join in. We want the spirit to help guide all of our conversations.
Our newest missionaries
President Quinn and I have been faced with many difficult conversations ourselves since coming on our mission. There are times when missionaries, parents of missionaries and stake presidents have different viewpoints on varying issues. President Quinn and I always have a prayer and ask for the spirit’s direction before we begin. We then start by expressing love. Next we go into the “learning conversation.” Learning conversations are amazing because so many times we gain information that we did not know, and it changes the essence of the conversation.
Most of the conversations go well because those we are talking with also want the best results. Yet, there have been times when as the book suggests we have had to “agree to disagree.” Even then you can leave knowing that everyone has been heard and loved.
Elder Branson and Averett - two great missionaries!
Just to give you a little teaser for the book one of my favorite tools they give is the “And Stance.” This is a call to use the word “and” instead of the word “but” when presenting your thoughts. Try it you’ll like it!
Mission life is good. We were excited to have our daughter Melissa and her husband Justin Black and their four children here visiting from Boston. It is the rainy season, and we spent some time walking through redwood forests dripping wet. We had fun playing card games and putting together a puzzle. Luckily, the rain cleared up and we enjoyed visiting Bodega Bay, the Golden Gate Bridge and Sea Glass Beach in Fort Bragg. They also visited the Roseville Mission just east of us where Justin served his mission. We are grateful for the opportunity to share our mission and missionaries with them. We feel so blessed to have such wonderful children and grandchildren that we love and adore.
Armstrong Woods with the Black Family in the rain!
Isaac and Andrew with bear puzzle
President and Sister Quinn with Blacks at Bodega Bay.
Justin, Lydia, Melissa, Andrew, Isaac, and Matthew Black at the Golden Gate Bridge
